arts & culture | girls with glasses

Putting ’plexes through the paces

By GINA DVORAK and NICOLE WHITE

MENTAL NOTE: Never trust a bald man with a pinky ring.

That’s the kind of stray thought you want to ponder while taking in a $10.50 summer blockbuster — not, “What’s making my shoes stick to the floor?”

Which is why we, the Girls With Glasses, are providing reviews of the theaters themselves. So on with the main attractions:

AMC Victoria Gardens 12: This theater gets a Golden Globe for its solid performance in a lead role.

It’s never a bad choice. You can purchase tickets from the automated terminal before dinner, and hopefully avoid much of a line for the later showing. The theater is big enough to devote multiple screens to blockbusters, but small enough that you don’t have to fight hordes at every turn.

Since it’s Victoria Gardens, parking will be a factor if you’re cutting it close to showtime. Arrive early, or be prepared to skip the snack bar.

Edwards Ontario Palace Stadium 22: This one gets the Miss Congeniality Award because it’s not the best theater, but we sure do like it.

Going to a show here gives you an idea of what it must be like to be an ant... who likes the movies. Tall windows invite you into a giant entrance bubbling with lights and bleeps from the arcade. (Veer left for the ticket counter.)

Proximity to Ontario Mills doesn’t seem to phase this mega-theater. There’s tons of parking and a billion doors, so you’ll feel like every spot is a good spot — until you realize the ticket counter is way on the other side of the building.

(Remember... veer left.)

Krikorian Redlands Cinema 14: We give this one a People’s Choice Award because, well, there’s always a lot of people there.

If you’re patient enough to wade through the traffic to get to this theater, parking is generally easy to find (minimal stalking may be required).

And if you don’t get folks cutting in line (easy to do when the entry stairs end at the middle of a line), getting in, getting your snacks and finding your movie is cut and dry.

(Single gals’ pointer: If you’re hitting this theater on a date, keep in mind that a visit to the powder room means a trek up the big, winding staircase.

So mind the heels, or take the elevator.)

Laemmle Claremont 5: As much as we think it wants an Independent Spirit Award, it’s getting a Tony because it’s FAAAAAABULOUS!!!

This is a quaint theater nestled in the heart of Claremont Village, with a super-friendly staff and generally a couple of artsy offerings to choose from. Parking will likely be a bit tricky on weekends, plus it has retro — not stadium — seating, so be prepared to glimpse the silhouette of the tall guy ahead of you every now and then.

Edwards Ontario Mountain Village Stadium: This theater gets an Oscar because it made us grouchy.

This theater gets half a thumb up for ample parking nearby, but that’s where the positives ended for us.

We were willing to forgive the fact that straws and napkins were cleverly hidden behind giant “High School Musical 3” promos, but navigation of the theater proves tricky when the tickets in your hand aren’t for the movie you asked for. Plus we found the seats uncomfortable we wondered why a chiropractor hasn’t taken advantage of the pre-feature advertising.

No matter where you’re going to see a movie, anything you can do to stay out of the ticket line will help. We recommend using kiosks where available or purchasing your tickets online, like we will for “TheDark Knight.”

All three times.

The Girls With Glasses couldn’t resist having a say on the summer’s biggest movies. Get their take at http://insidesocal.com/girls_with_glasses.